Making Friends
The importance of friendship and children

Helping Children Make Friends

Making friends is an important part of growing up and is a lifelong gift. What can we parents do to help our children discover the value of having friends? Or assist a child who is struggling to make friends? Here are some suggestions that will help you assit your children to have successful friendships.

Friends In The Early Years

Start early to introduce the concept of friends. At age two, children take pleasure in dealing with people. They imitate the action of others, including siblings. Though your toddler will probably prefer to play alone with toys, you should always expose toddlers to other adults and youngsters.

At around the age of three, children begin parallel play. They usually feel good about themselves and start to develop the concept of give and take. A great thing to do at this stage of development is to organize a play group in your home with mutual friends or consider a preschool setting. If your child is hesitant about participating in a group, encourage him/her by being ivolved with the group yourself, showing the child that shared play can be fun. Invite a friend over to play. Have planned activities for part of the play time -- baking cookies, a game. If going over to someone else's house is threatening to a young preschooler, go along to bridge the insecurity gap, and once again involve yourself in the activites to show your child the enjoyment that can be had.

Young children can be very possessive and unwilling to share toys. Have a talk before a playmate arrives. Ask what special toys the child would rather not share. Put those away. Explain that the rest will need to be shared.

Friends In The Elementary School Years

Elementary children often vie for control and may find it hard to agree on what to play. I've often used a kitchen timer. Encourage children take turns determining the play during 20-minute intervals (a kitchen timer is useful for this). The guest has the privilege of going first. When the timer dings, it's the next child's turn. If disagreements arise during play -- as often happens -- be there as a consultant only. The children need to work out their problem. Try to get them to talk through the dilemma and reach a compromise. Don't single out one child; put the responsibility on both. Say, "I notice that the two of you seem to be arguing. What can you both do to get along better?"

Dealing With Low Self-Esteem

A child may come home from school or play group saying, "No one likes me. No one will play with me." Again, get the child to talk through the situation. Ask for concrete examples. Be supportive, acknowledge feelings and help the child move through feelings to change behavior that can correct the situation. If your child has personality conflicts with another child, eplain that in life we all can't have everyone liking us all the time. What can you do to help the child who truly has few or no friends? This child may be suffering from a low self-esteem.

Together explore his/her interests and talents. Enroll child in a class or group activity of his choice.

Ask the teacher for assistance at school. Perhaps he/she could help the child enter group play or teach others to appreciate the child by having him/her share a special hobby or talent.

Observe your child during recess or play group to determine problems and find solutions. If concerns persist, consult a professional. Give your child help to discover the lifelong value of friendships.

Remember to teach your kids if you want to have friends - you have to be friendly. Teach your kids to be friendly, how to say, "Will you play with me?"

Teach them to share and to take turns. You can also use a three minute timer to indicate when their turn is over. That makes a kid feel more secure that they have had their fair share of time.

Remind your child about making good eye contact and model the behavior yourself. This helps kids take the manners they've learned from home into the classroom.

I asked my step-daughter (who is 9 years) old to write me a story for other kids about how to make friends. This is what she had to say on the subject:

Making Friends At School By Sarah B.
9 years old

"Well it is quite hard to make friends but if you say nice things to them like thank you and please and sorry, well they might be nice to you too, I always say nice things like that to be friends with other people so I can be friends and be nice to other people because you might become friends."

You can see from Sarah's comment that the thing that she feels is most important when trying to make friends is to be nice to each other. Sarah has obviously been taught the importance of being kind to others and considering their feelings which is a key element when making new friends and maintaining existing friendships.

I am sure we could all take lessons from Sarah's insites

• Calculate how much time your child has for making friends (how busy he/she is).
• Drop activities that don’t yield friendships such as t elevision and video games
• Friends of convenience (any child your child doesn’t like)
• Teams with poor adult supervision
• Drop activities that soak up your time and don’t yield friendships
• Encourage interests that attract friends:
• Develop interactive interests--toys/games that take at least two persons to play, that don’t encourage aggression, are fun to play, have simple rules, don’t take too long to play, and are not expensive
• Practice the games with your child to develop an interest in the game and to make it fun to play
• Find friends in the neighborhood
• Enroll your child in the neighborhood school
• Look for neighborhood activities like classes, group activities (e.g. scouts, theatre, day camps), and team sports

It’s not a good idea to try to make friends when the teacher or coach is talking, or when other children are trying to work in the classroom. Potential playmates get annoyed or don’t want to get into trouble.

It’s better to try when children are waiting or unoccupied (e.g., before or after school, before or after team practice), or at playgrounds and lunchrooms.

• Find a suitable place in the neighborhood to meet other children.
• Watch a group of children playing
• Begin by watching the game 20-30 feet away.
• Pick children the same age or slightly younger than yours and at about the same skill level.
• Does your child know the rules of the game?
• Does your child know who’s winning or who needs the most help.
• Coach your child about how to join
• Wait for a break in the activity.
• Try to join the team that needs the most help.
• Have your child rehearse what s/he will say to try to join.
• Review with your child the reasons why children are kept out of a game.
• Take "no" for an answer and move on to other children playing.
• Coach your child how to praise other children’s behavior.
• Encourage your child to try to join
• Watch from afar.
• If your child was successful, end on a good note.
• If your child has trouble playing with others, wait 10 minutes and then take him/her out of the game.
• Try again if your child wasn’t successful.
• Review the reasons for rejection.
• Try steps 1-6 again with another group of children.
• Praise your child for the things s/he did well.

Take the game seriously--no clowning around.

No refereeing (e.g., pointing out rule violations).

Let others have fun, too.

Praise other children ("nice try").

If bored, suggest a change in activity or switch positions. Suggest a new rule instead of arguing.

If you win, pretend winning wasn’t important to you.

Don’t walk away from a game when you are losing or when you’re tired of playing.

Teasing

Children tease because it’s fun to see someone get upset when his buttons are pushed. Up to grade 2, children tease by calling names. Older children use more elaborate statements:Attacking the dignity of family members (especially mothers, because it hurts more).

You need to teach your child to take the fun out of the teasing:

• "So what?"
• "Can’t you think of anything else to say?"
• "That’s so old it’s got dust on it."
• "Tell me when you get to the funny part."
• "And your point is . . ."